How to Avoid Festival Toilets in 9 Simple Ways [Camping Toilet Review]
It’s happening. You can’t hold it in any longer and there’s no way to avoid… the dreaded festival toilets. There’s hope! Read on for all my advice on how to cope with peeing at a festival…
That familiar feeling of a swollen bladder after one too many ciders is 100% more unwelcome than usual when you’re at a festival. As soon as the need to pee (or poo) at a festival kicks in, the horror stories of festival portaloos all come rushing back into your mind.
After admitting defeat to your renal system you approach those banging portaloo doors with much trepidation, fearful of what may lay behind.
Nervously you select one and pull on the repugnant handle, bracing yourself for the stench to fill your nostrils.
If you manage to pull the door ajar without the fumes spinning your mind, you commit to opening it fully.
If the gagging reflex doesn’t kick in, this is the festival toilet for you.
You take a deep breath and step up.
READ ON FOR HOW TO AVOID THE FESTIVAL TOILETS COMPLETELY
Camping toilets
A quick inspection of any danger areas that may pose a threat, a quick shuffle and you’re perched and ready – the strongest among us hover, the weak give in and enjoy the rest – either way the aim is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible.
You fumble in your bag for toilet roll, still trying not to breathe for fear of a lungful of a few thousand festival goers’ finest gases. No one ever said festival peeing was glamorous.
lf you’re lucky you’ll get a squirt of sanitiser at the end.
Phew, you’re in the clear for another few hours.
What if I told you there was a way to avoid all this festival toilet rigmarole?
In preparation for the Glastonbury toilets, and with the help of Amazon reviewers, I’ve put together this little guide to show you how you can avoid the toilets at festivals all together…
How to Avoid Festival Toilets
Here are some great camping toilet ideas to help you avoid festival toilets at field festivals. If you really hate the idea of a shared toilet, then I’d definitely recommend taking at least one of these camping toilet solutions with you.
1. The She Wee
Perhaps the most famous of all the festival toilet avoidance schemes, the She Wee gives ladies all the convenience of having a funnel, which as you guys know, makes the whole toilet process a lot simpler.
Girls, you simply cup the She Wee on your foof… and release.
I tried this when I went to Glastonbury Festival and made a right mess. If you’re going to try it I’d recommend not drinking five ciders, waiting until the last minute and then becoming uncontrollable with laughter as your mate tries to help.
Turns out there’s a lot more wee than expected.
“A life saver. Easy to use and convenient. The wide funnel covers the area well without you having to worry there is going to be a spill. There is no need to assemble anything and it is easy to wash and reuse.”
– Conneal Beswick on Amazon
Fancy doing a festival quiz?
50 questions, 50 answers – do it with friends, or by yourself!
2. Bog in a Bag
When two stools collide hey?
This Bog In A Bag camping stool enables the owner to literally use anywhere they damn well please as a dumping ground. The description says the ‘stool’ is ‘supportive’ and ‘comfortable’.
A great camping toilet for all ages, and for all festival peeing.
Simply push a bag through the middle to catch the deposit, sit down, let it all out, tie up your bag, put both stools away and you’re ready to carry on with your festival shenanigans.
Apparently Dawn’s crack loves it on Amazon…
“It is light, it packs away very small, it is sturdy in use and it is a usable loo. We use it for middle of the night/crack of dawn loo visits and it certainly beats a trip across the campsite in the dark.”
– McGoogly on Amazon
Best festival toilets I’ve ever been to
You might not expect it, but the toilets at Lake of Stars Festival in Malawi were definitely some of the best festival toilets I’ve been to. The festival changes location every year, but when I went, in 2018, it was in a hotel that was being built.
All the toilets had been plumbed in and there was a toilet attendant there keeping them clean. Electricity for the ladies to straighten their hair and everything.
Otherwise, it’s got to be VIP. The main benefit of going VIP is to get the nice toilets. Victorious Festival and Primavera were pretty sweet for that very reason.
Anyway, back to the festival toilet avoidance tactics…
3. Unisex Portable Urinal
What a nice present for the festival loving couple in your life – a unisex portable urinal.
Feel free to let it all out in this festival toilet alternative and you can simply put the lid back on and store that meaty piss for later disposal at a more convenient time.
If you’re looking for a camping toilet solution that’ll stop you needing to leave your cosy warm tent at night, then this is a great idea. I’d definitely recommend getting one for each member of the family though…
“I took this to reading festival and it was great. Saved me going to the long drop all weekend !!…big enough to hold a big wee. Easy to use. I didn’t have any trouble with lid leaking. Would recommend.”
– Jeanie, on Amazon
Top festival toilet tip for you
If you’re caught out, and just can’t avoid festival toilets… then put some string through your toilet roll so you can hang it round your neck when you go to the toilet. This means you won’t need to put it down anywhere and you’ll have your hands free.